I don't know if this will help me. I don't know if this will make everything a bit better. I don't know if I want anyone to read this but at least I'm venting.
I'm lost or maybe I lost myself. I don't know what I want to do with my life, sure I have a degree but somehow, I don't know where do I go now. I know, I'm still young; heck, I'm still fucking 21 years old but time never stops for anyone. I'm even digressing now...maybe losing myself is one of the reasons why I'm blabbering right now but that's not the point.
My suicidal thoughts are back. I think I'm regressing. Hell, I KNOW I AM REGRESSING. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of not knowing what to do and I am fucking tired of living while knowing that I will die anyway. I keep asking myself: "WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIVING?" "WHY AM I ALIVE?" "DO I HAVE A PURPOSE?" or "AM I JUST A WASTE OF DAMN SPACE IN THIS WORLD?"
Ways of how I eventually do it keep on resurfacing in my mind but I can’t even actually do even just one. It’s pathetic and maybe some would say I’m brave because I had the strength to pull back and continue living; I honestly don’t know if I agree. I don’t know if I deserve to live because I don’t even know if I still want to continue living in the first place. If there is a way that I can even donate my remaining time to anyone out there who is dying but he/she is so desperate to just have more time, then I’d gladly give mine to that person. However, the world doesn’t work that way. Never did. Maybe I can’t do it because I know how much it will hurt the people that I will leave behind…Fuck, I KNOW. I’ve been there. The only person who would probably understand what I’m going through right now killed herself 9 months ago and that time, I kept on asking why she did it because I WAS SO SURE that between the both of us, I WOULD BE THE ONE WHO WOULD EVENTUALLY DO IT. But no, the motherfucker did it. Maybe I’m still mad at her but maybe it all makes sense why she did it. I’m not sure.
I’m in too deep and I don’t know what else to do. I want to go somewhere safe…home, maybe but I don’t even know where that is. It sucks and I know it will keep sucking until I do something about this but I hope I have the strength to make it through.
I still have places that I want to go, goals I want to achieve,people that I want to meet but all of those seem so far now. My family (I'm not even sure about this one because my concept of it is fucking screwed) is struggling to understand me but I can't even understand myself now, what gives them the right to be more confused than I am? I don't even know who I am anymore.
If anyone would even read this, the grammatical errors and inconsistencies would be very awful to go through but whatever. I know I need help and I am admitting it again,